I miss you.
Missing someone or something can be both empty and devastating. I could miss a good friend who has decided to leave my side because she has to chase her dreams elsewhere and that would have to make me feel empty; however, I could also miss hours of sleep or a coffee break and that would have to be very devastating. Well, more than the clash of word choice of course, missing someone or somebody creates a void that likewise vacuums all dust of memories back to a filter somewhere behind the clouds of self-doubt and make me illusion that I can trust myself again to be genuinely happy. Sometimes all we need is a speck of memory to hit us on the eyeball and induce some teardrops so that we may feel again. When someone or somebody is lost, we tend to be emotionless. We forget to feel. Sometimes we are too hurt, too lonely to trust in happiness again. Sometimes we are too hurt, too unloved to embrace new possibilities for existence.
If I cease on dropping a word, a smile, a glance, does it mean I have given up on reminiscence? You have to understand I cannot just hang on to a memory of you, or wait for things to be the same again since the day we bid our “until then’s.” I think about you all the time, even if I am not. It doesn’t make sense, I know. How can you say that you are thinking of someone all the time when you have not even given time to type in “hi” the very least. Have I given up on you? Well maybe dropping in to say Hi would seem to be a bit obligatory to you, and/or maybe I am just scared you won’t say Hello back.
The trouble with missing as a state of feeling is you torture yourself by the thought of having to stand on a blank space and offering yourself consolation that the thoughts of the thing that was once yours, or the memory of person who was once there, would fill in the void and ease the pain. Yet, just like cliches, missing as a state of feeling is too predictable to be rewarding.
What now if I miss you? What now if I miss sleep? coffee? class? Would that feeling matter to the world at all?
Writing 101, Day Nineteen: Don’t Stop the Rockin’
On this free writing day, remember the words of author Anne Lamott: “I don’t think you have time to waste not writing because you are afraid you won’t be good at it.”
Today is a free writing day. Write at least four-hundred words, and once you start typing, don’t stop. No self-editing, no trash-talking, and no second guessing: just go. Bonus points if you tackle an idea you’ve been playing with but think is too silly to post about.