Of Missing Mood

I still see you. I still feel you. I still hear you. I still speak of you.

I guess my senses will always perceive you even if I can no longer meet with you, cling on to you, listen to you or talk to you. It has been 14 years, but no one has ever taken your place in this quiet void inside my heart that continues to long for a friend who has all the right words to say, whose mere presence says everything that life refuses to give meaning to.

You were the only person who knocked on my heart, begging the monster that had taken over me to bring my old self back because you thought it was not like me to shut everybody out. To ask to be left alone. To just accept the fact that everyone was turning their back on me. You did not yell at me because I was being stubborn to accept my flaws. You wrote me a letter instead, opening it with the words: “knock knock? Is my best friend there? Can you please bring her back?” You just thought maybe I was just going through a bad day, menstrual cramps or whatever, and understood me completely. Then you waited for me to open the door. Of course there was no door. It was only a magic from your prose. And I will never forget that day. I cried hard in isolation because you all left me as I asked you to, but I was being stubborn, eaten by my pride, to come to you. That day taught me how to say sorry even if the why’s were vague because you needed your friends back and they won’t take you back until you destroy the walls you built yourself.

I was glad you knocked when all of them slammed the door on me.

From time to time, I still get consumed by that monster you thought to be eating me. Bad days do not last forever but they do come around, and they would, forever. I still want to be left alone on bad days. I still let people turn their backs on me when I cannot insist on them to embrace my flaws. I still shut everybody out when words run out, when all the talking is done and exhausting. And it gets lonely and tiresome at times. No one dares to knock anymore. There has been no one but you who could choose the right words to say that would tear me into pieces just so I could hem my tattered spirit back again.

And I miss you each time.

Whenever someone leaves me words on sticky notes or scratch pads: a cheer, a reminder, a quote, I am reminded of the many notes we used to pass on to each other, and the letters we used to send, that chronicle how our days had been, because we did not belong to the same class, and you were seated next to my crush and I was seated next to yours. We had to hide behind codes for the stuff going on that needed real-time updates, then when sms, pms, dms, tweets and statuses did not exist to save us from the trouble of getting caught. As we ceaslessly wrote to each other, it was the love for writing that bloomed more than the unrequited love we both waited for from our seatmates. You molded my way with words with your beautiful ways of saying things. You were always a pleasure to read. You showered me with quotes every single day, and I owe from you the adage that has become my mantra: Don’t just flow with life; make waves. Yes, you gave this priceless quote to me, and it shall ripple on.

Thank you for believing in me.

You were always the most thoughtful one. You always put me first in thought, in words, in feelings. Sometimes I had felt quite a burden to our friendship because you were always worried of me when I could not even take a second glance at myself. When I did not want to join the slumber party because I was too tired to plan out what to wear, you drew me on a piece of construction paper, with labels from head to toe as to how I should bring in myself to the party. From the way I should do my ponytail, to the top I must wear (with a naughty reminder to shave because you have chosen a haltered or sleeveless one), even the belt (because you thought plain jeans were boring), down to the footwear— I wondered how you had all the time in the world to memorize my lame fashion sense, the limited outfit I owned, and my obvious tendencies to avoid the party because I’d rather be sleeping. I can still picture that portrait that you had on me on some loose sheet of paper lying around the bench that day. High school was too long ago but I think I still get conscious on how I must do my ponytail because you believed that I look better when I wear it higher. I am forever grateful for your honesty, sincerity and concern. I was the ugly one, but you had made me see beauty in myself.

And I’m glad that I believed you.

Sometimes, whenever I come across a nice quote, a good book, thoughts on post-its, whenever I hear or read an unexpected little cheer, honest affirmation or sincere appreciation to my mere existence, whenever I am being looked after, cared for, worried about, I would like to believe you are trying to let me see you, feel you, hear you, or talk to you because you miss me too. Because I cannot stop missing you. Because there will never be anyone like you, but I can no longer run to you. Without you here, you still make me feel that I am worth all your while to be thought of.

What have I done to deserve your eternal and selfless love?

Just so you know, I still see you. I still feel you. I still hear you. I still speak about you. I will do, for all of my life.

I love you , Kate. Always.


Do Not Return to Sender

“I feel the same way. ” Love, Kate

“See you at the cathedral steps.” Love, Kate

“Bring my friend back. The old Acey who is always laughing and opening up. I miss her.” Hurting, Kate

“How is your seatmate doing? Does he still look cute? Tell him I said hi. P.S. My seatmate also looks good today. Do I say hi for you too?” Always, Kate the Great


I have a bag full of letters and stick-on notes from Kate. I haven’t thrown a single sheet ever, and it has been 15 years ago when we started exchanging messages way back Freshmen year in high school.

She is one great person (apart from my father) who woke up my muse and motivated me to spill my thoughts on ink. She edited my work, introduced smart phrases for me to use and even put a smiley on her favorites among my works.

We exchanged short notes about the littlest interesting highlights of our day, the one-minute heaven with our crush, the creeps and annoyance from random people, and just about anything that are not even pertinent to share. We also wrote each other long letters and I remembered her calling one of mine as “Acey’s Chronicles.” In our long letters, we pour out our frustrations in life, questions to God, juvenile emotions and heartaches towards each other.

She was my high school best friend. She will always be my one great friend. Best friends forever.

I have considered growing up and putting away dust-gatherers from my place for a number of times, together with high school workbooks and college notes and stuff, but I ended up reading again letters from Kate and packing them in another box or bag until the time I would have to clean up closets again…

Kate died after battling with cancer some ten years ago. There are still times when I wished a single note from her would be posted on the door like she always did before. A note from Kate might perhaps help me get through a horrible Monday, or tame me from a wrestle with deadlines, or delight me a midst parenting woes. But now letters are all I have-each a story to inspire and a friendly advice to heed, for the rest of my life with her simply looking down on me from the skies…


I miss you, Kate.


A Dose of Brilliant Quotes


A quote saves you from all the worries about not being spontaneous on what you are about to say.

A quote is a life-saver. It gives you not only nuggets of wisdom but also sentence fillers in an utterly hopeless public speaking occasion.

Here are the quotes I ticked as my favorites in my Brilliant Quotes phone app and the life situations where I am grateful I have a quote to get by:


1. On worrying about the future (why worry about the future?)

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” -Abraham Lincoln

2. On feeling hopeless (take it from the funny man and seek for rainbows all the time)

“You’ll never find a rainbow if you’re looking down.” -Charlie Chaplin

3. On cherishing friendship (true friends are rare; it is rare to meet someone exactly like you.)

“A friend is, as it were, a second self.” -Cicero

4. On living the life you want (fabulous piece of inspiration, agree?)

“You live but once; you might as well be amusing.” -Coco Chanel

5. On sleeping to your heart’s content (I have countless sleep debts and I just have to pay them off.)

” I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know.” -Ernest Hemingway

6. On saying what you need to say (say it, will you?)

“It’s better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.” -John Mayer

7. On dealing with your problems (sad but true)

” Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them.” -Lou Holtz

8. On handling people who are a pain in the neck (inevitable!)

“There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.” -Margot Asquith

9. On being stunned by life (how true is that!)

“Ever notice how ‘what the hell’ is always the right answer?” – Marilyn Monroe

10. On procrastinating (definitely my favorite)

“Never put off tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” -Mark Twain

11. On appreciating simple joys (this keeps me obligated to give myself a me-time)

“Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” -Mark Twain

12. On letting dreams be (the other side of chasing dreams that goes easier for lazy people)

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg

13. One being selfless (my favorite for mothers’ day)

“We cannot do great things on this earth, only small things with great love.” -Mother Teresa

14. On being committed to someone for a lifetime (the message I gave for my high school best friend’s wedding)

“Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.” -Mother Teresa

15. On taking it easy on work (just when I am close to be working hard than normal, this saves my day)

“I’ve heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say, why take the chance?’ -Ronald Reagan

16. On taking a time off (sometimes you just have to forget in order to move forward in life)

“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before.” -Steven Wright

17. On heading where the roads lead (trust your feet!)

“I don’t know where I am going, but I am on my way.” -Voltaire

18. On making every moment count (I always tell myself I don’t have time or don’t have enough, but this quote brings me back to my senses)

“Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hours a day.” -Zig Ziglar

19. On finding fulfillment in life (cliche but this I say to myself and to others most of the time; overused in my speeches, too)

” Life  is a journey, not a destination.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

 20. On loving someone truly (love is a mystery and Coelho made everything about love a perfect sense.)

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” -Pauo Coelho


Quotes speak to us like a preview of what we want to say to ourselves if we only trust our own brand of wisdom, says the poet in me. 

I was tempted to write an intellectually sounding anonymous name after this conclusive insight I have about quotes like what a tumblr post I came across with said and it sound like the best way to get people to pay attention to a quote or post is to put an anonymous or famous name after it.

Oh well, as for me, quotes are just amazing day boosters that I could not last a day not having one to talk myself into believing.





Credits: http://www.verybestquotes.com/quote-of-the-day-let-the-mind-become-still/; https://www.bq4android.com;http://www.verybestquotes.com/category/life-quotes/


A Metaphor for Life Lessons

Am I not over it yet? Am I supposed to come back? Or am I just being reminded about the truth about what friendship really is?

I have been having recurring dreams of places from my high school. In most of those dreams, I am strolling the hallways, spending time in the library, looking for someone at the quadrangle, talking with someone on the bench—all these scenes with my present self who has been out of high school for more than a decade now, and in most scenes, I am not even with the important people from my high school.

Dreaming about high school is a metaphor for life lessons. Dreams about high school take you back to the priorities, principles and values you have taken for granted and you have to relearn. Although it might suggest inadequacies of the things you are capable of, thereby meaning you have to be schooled again, a dream that places you in school is nothing short of a reminder that even if life has taken you to places far, wide and high, there will always be lessons to learn.

Having recurring dreams about my high school has made me succumb to the realization that my dreams are trying to teach me about valuing real friends I meet in high school because I will never meet people like them even in another lifetime. The high school I attended is very far from how it looked more than 10 years ago. However, having walked its halls once more in one of class reunions I have attended, or even having passed quite often by the streets where it stands, I realized that behind the beautifully renovated edifice, still lie the memories of my high school days that are so timeless that I can still vividly imagine how cozy the places where I have shared secrets, stories, hopes and dreams with important people I call high school friends, still are.

What lesson does your dream teach you? Tell me about it.


( http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/freudian-flips/ )

Flashback Friday: High School Never Ends

Flashback Friday: High School Never Ends

Talking about milestones, I would definitely not miss bragging about the splendor of my high school days because I met real people I would never meet just as real and as for keeps in other milestones of my life.
It might be enough for some that they get to attend or simply pass through high school; for some they might think of not having to go through high school again. Well mine happens to be a blast. Lucky me. And I would not mind being in high school again.