How would your life be different if you were incapable of feeling fear?
The thing is, I haven’t really given a thought to what I am most afraid of. Before I do give it a thought, allow me to think back to a little to a forgotten vow I have made to myself…
I have promised myself that I will give time to answer the journal prompts I give my students in English class, but I haven’t given time to fulfill the promise until now that I have been challenged to respond to a blog prompt that seems to ask of me the same thing as the first journal prompt I have given after the chapter on Beowulf.
What are my monsters in life? How do I battle them?
Then I think about losing.
No, not that kind of losing when you do not win a game or a battle or something. It is the kind of losing when something or someone dear to you disappears or goes missing.
I fear losing someone to be exact.
I shed tears over even just a thought that I can no longer be with someone dear to me. I am tormented by even just a thought induced by paranoia of someone dear to me going away or dying. I give losing someone dear a thought and it gives me nightmares all the time.
This fear of losing leads me to pray, to negotiate with God that I would not have to experience something very scary and painful as losing. This fear of losing leads me to seize moments when I can be with the ones I love and care for because I might not have the chance to do things I want to do with when someone has to leave. This fear of losing leads me to work hard in keeping strong ties with persons I hold dear in my heart for I might not be able to notice they have dropped the strings and I have been alone all along.
I battle the monster that is losing through these ways.
Now if ever I never have to fear losing, what would become of my faith? what use would spending rare moments with my loved ones be? what point is there in keeping relationships?
If ever I never have to fear losing, I would have had lost everything that gives me reason to live.
That would mean having to face a monster I have no power to conquer. Having nothing to fear will tear me into pieces, limb by limb, until I breathe no more. On the other hand, having to fear losing breaks me each day but fuels me to keep myself whole each time.