Too wordy. 

I get that remark all the time. What if I would be given the chance to appear unedited, like my written thoughts were a director’s cut of a film? How I wish I would truly have that chance and still not be judged for my syntactic struggles.

Whenever the tip of my pen is about to code overlapping dependence, or attempts to build excessive modification, I know my musings are about to turn into nightmares. Still, like drug to my diction, I allow the manuscript to be heavy on words, because suppressing the “breathings of my soul” might just suffocate me or leave me dry. 

Sometimes, fragments are the riddles I’ve been looking for to stitch together the broken pieces of the entire truth. I find pleasure in using numerous fragments to trigger nerve impulse by every torn tale, ripped reality and fractionated feeling. I know there is a more grammatically acceptable structure than my disintegrated dogma, but sentence fragments are the literary bricks that complete my thoughts. Without them, I might break apart. Literally.

Consider revising.

This is the expert advice I often get, and rarely consider. I have tried resolving this internal conflict I have with the writer who writes and the writer who’s right, trapped inside me. I am not done trying yet though. I still have debate skirmishes inside my head if I wish to be a writer or right-er because trying to be both seems to be an endless struggle. 

And I just want to write. Does it have to be that hard?


A Fool’s Silver Screen

“You are everything I never knew I always wanted.”


I have to be at a similar spot at the Grand Canyon, devouring a picnic box of Gray’s Papaya. Well gastronomic-delight aside, I think I need to be reminded each time that “love is a gift…not an obligation,” as this 1997  movie has taught me, and I guess it would be such a rush to be frozen at this particular scene of “Fools Rush In” where the idea of love-as I have first known it to be, as I have grown knowing, and as I should forever remember-first introduced itself to me. A day in this favorite movie of mine will be spent at the Grand Canyon, with the one I love, taking pleasure at the sunset and the love we have, but of course, with a box of Gray’s Papaya. That is all that’s going to happen in a day. That is all I ever wanted.

(However, if I have two more days, I want to pass by Coyote Ugly and Burlesque. A shot of margarita or a bottle of beer while watching hot girls strut their butts and do breath-taking dance routines would be such a release from a day’s work, but too unfortunate we don’t have much of these shows in the city where I live. I would do anything in this world to see a live show of this sort. But I still have another day!— which I want to spend taking a bullet for Jenko in any Jump Street movie. And since I happen to save his life, then maybe…details of my fantasies end here, before I say something cool. 😛 )

Interactions 101

Grade 7 Science has opened my eyes to many things I have taken for granted about relationships. I never had this kind of connection with Science until I attended a class as part of my functions as supervisor of teacher performance.

Miss Lyn opened the lesson on “Interactions in the Ecosystem” with the question: what do you do in order to interact with the other members of the class? what do animals do if in their own environment? Answers ranged from talking, listening to protecting and killing. Then, the parade of concepts about how organisms interact in the ecosystem proceeded. From the the leading questions, to the concept-forming questions and the synthesizing and valuing questions, I gathered my own thoughts about a few of these interactions:

Mutualism, the art of “give and take”


Being with someone-sharing innermost thoughts and feelings, contributing to the the other’s emotional and spiritual growth, nurturing passions and whims- is not a one-way street. However, living and keeping up with giving when taking is bliss, sometimes clouds the connection. When a person graces you with attention, concern and care, sometimes you feel overwhelmed that you forget that you have the obligation to make the other person feel the same, not exactly the same way but in the way you know how. Sharing mutual feelings allows us to be inventive and imaginative as to how we can reciprocate joy whenever we get the feeling from someone’s efforts to amuse us. Mutual understanding also breeds respect and trains us to be sensitive, in a way that we avoid words and actions that we know shall cause us pain and dissatisfaction if we were given the same treatment. Mutual understanding values connection even without words spoken, making love more heartfelt because you may be able to make someone feel precious even if you don’t need to say anything or more.

Parasitism, putting up with the users


What kind of relationship makes a parasite out of us? It might be the relationship when you make someone believe you care but that is only because you derive benefits from the relationship. Casual favors are tolerable, but making another person sacrifice his or her own happiness just so you can enjoy your capriciousness is a painful thing for the host, and a shame for the parasite. The sad reality is, we tolerate parasites. Our home crumbles, our skin itches, our society is infested, because we do not do anything about the parasites. We are too kind to parasites and look past their schemes. Hosts should never be applauded for their martyrdom, knowing they are being used, complain but give in to the users. Is this even something we can call relationship if we love parasites so much we can’t let them go? Hosts, unlike preys, actually have a choice not be aggravated but they choose to be undermined. Their idea of a relationship is controlled by their over eagerness to be selfless even if this would mean stripping them of their dignity and freedom. Could we blame them?

Predation, antagonism at its finest


It seems that when we care for someone, when we are in a relationship that secures us with the satisfaction of belonging, predators are not a thing to be scared of. How many of us have been victims of this kind of interaction-hunted, eyed on, grasped and struggles to be consumed?  We know that sometimes making a commitment entails risk and dangers, especially when our oblivious heart yearns nothing but to be cuddled and cared for, but we continue to make ourselves open to be preyed on. Then, when others hurt us, we can’t do anything else but bleed. Do we curse the predators for being mean? Well if we force ourselves to be in a relationship that has taken parasitism for granted and evolved into an interaction that has made the parasite a heartless predator hurting the host that has turned into a weak prey, then maybe we should rethink how we see relationships. Pain is inevitable, but allowing yourself to be devoured is a different story. Nobody has the right to hurt you if you don’t give them the power to. But sometimes we choose to be hurt. Endless why’s flood our senses, but we refuse to give them answers.

So what kind of relationship do we have? Are we enjoying cloud 9 with mutualism? Are we enduring the sense of sacrifice that comes with parasitism? Are we resistant to pain caused by predation? Or maybe it is mutualism reduced to parasitism and evolving to predation?

Everything I need to learn about relationships I learned in Science for the 7th grade.

Camera Roll: Selfie-sh Me Time

“And I simply decided to be happy again.”

Me time.


A coffee.


A blank space.


A feel-good movie.


A good book.


A long nap.


A blog page.


A series marathon.


A playlist.


All for me.

Then, I can be human again.

I am a workaholic who is continuously in denial about it. Truth of the matter is, I work hard but I am not efficient, because if I were efficient, then I would not be extending office hours just to get things done, or stay late in the office only to plan out what else I would do for the next day and never get to finish my target again, and the cycle of procrastination goes on. I put off a lot of things when I feel stuffed by a calendar of things to do, pinned to the wall by daily demands and locked up by responsibilities I have no need to be reminded of. Sometimes I doubt if I am even human still. So this is why I demand myself a me time. A time for me simply put. Just to remind myself that I exist in a universe where there are humans like me who also get tired and need to lighten up when the road signs to getting a life get a bit blurry.

Then, I can be human again.

Me time.

And it does not even matter how long or short a time that would be.PhotoGrid_1392474815629

Battling Monsters

How would your life be different if you were incapable of feeling fear?

The thing is, I haven’t really given a thought to what I am most afraid of. Before I do give it a thought, allow me to think back to a little to a forgotten vow I have made to myself…

I have promised myself that I will give time to answer the journal prompts I give my students in English class, but I haven’t given time to fulfill the promise until now that I have been challenged to respond to a blog prompt that seems to ask of me the same thing as the first journal prompt I have given after the chapter on Beowulf.

What are my monsters in life? How do I battle them?

Then I think about losing.

 No, not that kind of losing when you do not win a game or a battle or something. It is the kind of losing when something or someone dear to you disappears or goes missing.

I fear losing someone to be exact.

I shed tears over even just a thought that I can no longer be with someone dear to me. I am tormented by even just a thought induced by paranoia of someone dear to me going away or dying. I give losing someone dear a thought and it gives me nightmares all the time.

This fear of losing leads me to pray, to negotiate with God that I would not have to experience something very scary and painful as losing. This fear of losing leads me to seize moments when I can be with the ones I love and care for because I might not have the chance to do things I want to do with when someone has to leave. This fear of losing leads me to work hard in keeping strong ties with persons I hold dear in my heart for I might not be able to notice they have dropped the strings and I have been alone all along.

I battle the monster that is losing through these ways.

Now if ever I never have to fear losing, what would become of my faith? what use would spending rare moments with my loved ones be? what point is there in keeping relationships?

If ever I never have to fear losing, I would have had lost everything that gives me reason to live.

That would mean having to face a monster I have no power to conquer. Having nothing to fear will tear me into pieces, limb by limb, until I breathe no more. On the other hand, having to fear losing breaks me each day but fuels me to keep myself whole each time.