Of Science and Faith

“You won’t find faith or hope down a telescope. You won’t find heart and soul in the stars. You can break everything down to chemicals, but you can’t explain a love like ours.” -Science and Faith, The Script

Sometimes I wonder how my biology, my chemistry and my physics will ever be superior over my basic human knowledge, or at least be a healthy match to my common sense. These so-called branches of knowledge always keep me up at night trying to make sense out of things I could not even figure out. How could I live a life of accuracy and balance when I doubt the sincerity of symbiotic relationship, when I do not fully trust the strength of covalent bond, and when I cannot fully embrace the law of inertia?

I do not speak the language of science, but science speaks to me on a daily basis, making me think immensely of things that matter in a scale that my faith finds too deep to fathom at times. My science moves with me every single time, and no matter what complexity it brings and leaves me arid for answers, I could not last a day without its sweet torment of making me resort to thinking and question everything that transpires over the day, the month, the year, even the minutes and the seconds.

Symbiosis is a good thing, but sometimes I feel like it is just a lame excuse for some people to make up for the limitations that they are too naive to surpass. Reliance as a virtue becomes corrupted, when people take advantage rather than work hard and earn justly their spot in this planet. 

Similarly, most people promise they have your back, only to realize in the end that they have your back to stab. You bleed for them anyway, because you believe that you still have to be human, until you bleed to death for betrayal that you have become a monster yourself. 

If this is how tragic dependence or having someone to rely on turns out, why do I have to help keeping a balance? 

I cherish mutualism anyway.

There is strength in unity, inspiration in reaction, and joy in interaction. These realities seem divine, like the power of an atom. Still, to keep a bond, you have to be necessarily strong. This is where I feel insecure about bonds, and I hope it is just normal to feel this way. 

I guess no matter how hard you try, at some point, you will wear out and get consumed. If not you, others would. We do not have the monopoly of power in this world. When times like this come, it will almost feel impossible to hang on or even find a string to hang on so the bond won’t snap. Eventually bonds do break. No. Matter. How. Hard. You. Try. Well this is life: you lose some, you gain some, you share some. That is just how it is. 

Knowing there will always be bonds is a nice deal after all.

I hope my high school physics memory serve me right that inertia has something to do with the fact that something not moving will never move, and something moving will continue to move, unless something else (a force maybe) affects it. How I wish life was that simple! Or is it really? As if we have a lot of choices in this life to wait for a force to get us moving or keep us moving. I hope I am not the only one believing that this life is unfair, because it is. 

Who would not want to stay in bed all day? To not set the alarm for the next day? To not think about tomorrow? To not have plans? And yet make life happen? Physics does not work accurately in most lives I’ve known. You have to move and keep moving even if there seems to be zero motivation to get going because life will not stop for you. It is just how it is.

 With or without a choice, with or without force, we all have to get moving. Being stuck is just an illusion. Keeping pace is a mere diversion. Being ahead on track is but a dream. This life is all about moving and that is all. 

The good thing though is, there will always be somewhere, and that is beautiful enough to look forward to.

My science sustains me, no matter how messed up it can be. Just like faith, it reminds me that there is more to life, to existence. That is why thinking is good, even if thinking exhausts you, keeps you up all night, frightens you, saddens you, confuses you, challenges you, weakens you, kills you. If I were not to think, what will I ever do to the endless questions that my mind generates? It is not like I have the power to make the birth of questions stop. I barely have answers in this lifetime. Faith, however, assures me, that there are answers; some answers just take time. My science is probably a mess. Still I am grateful for I have faith.

I guess I will continue to get by in this life with a little reason and a little wonder.

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7 of 366

What is it with 7 and luck?

 

I’d rather be grateful than lucky.

Yes, I talk to the universe and all, especially when an awful fist of luck knocks me out like a domino falling, hitting me hard one blow after the other…or when nothing seems to be going my way no matter which way I go…or even when everything is dead blank and pitch dark yet and still the stars are too flicker on me…mostly, during the times I have to have something to blame and I could no longer force the blame on myself or to anyone. Yes, I do talk to the universe when I feel that I am the unluckiest earthling alive. It would seem like I am believer of luck. I may seem to be. But luck has never been kind to me. I even doubt if it ever exists.

Maybe when the universe is being less of a bitch and is starting to force a ray of good luck upon me, I am really not lucky at all.

Luck is too random to believe in and the universe is too bitchy to be nice to a random and insignificant earthling like me. But there is a stronger force, greater force behind the universe that makes me feel grateful instead. I am ever grateful, oh yes, I am, that as days fall off, I may falter but I don’t end with them.

Today marks the 7th day of my new year. With or without luck, I am grateful. With or without stars, I am grateful. I am grateful because I am alive to count up to this day that is about to end.

Tomorrow is another shot at winning fist fights with the universe.

Bring it on.

Loiterer

Some people live beautiful lives and they take pleasure in being wanderers. Some people live unfair lives beautifully and they find joy in being loiterers.

The first time I encountered the term ‘loitering’ was when I was a grader. All over the hallways of my school back then were reminders stating “NO LOITERING ALONG THE CORRIDORS” and student leaders took the rule seriously by dragging to the office of the Principal whoever was caught staying along the corridors. I have always thought loitering as illegal, a bad thing to do, a violation. Today, loitering to me is salvation.

To loiter is to stay in a place for no reason at all…to lag behind…to stop idly delaying something…It isn’t a crime at all as I used to think of it when I was a grader. At the moment, loitering is saving me from overthinking, stressing over and worrying about fickle matters.

Days have been passing me by and each passing day I seem to lose a part of me to frustrations when I am fully aware that there is a great deal of joy I am putting away just so I can bleed over the wrong decisions I have made in the past. I carry the weight of the past around allowing it to slow me down to where joy truly is and weighing me down instead of being strong enough to afford a simple smile. Short or long, the days have left me depleted, drained and devastated. Until one day, I decided to walk aimlessly. Then I decided to keep still. That was then I knew what I have been missing.

Walking aimlessly may sound like I have gone nuts or something. But the real score is, I have been walking around, sometimes chasing, running and leaping for things I would never have the power to control, and I have never given myself the opportunity to see myself in the very things that I just allow to pass me by, like the days that were supposed to have been spent with a better purpose than just having to get it over and done with. As the passing days consume me, I do not even recognize myself anymore. I have lost me.

So I have stopped and stared at familiar and unfamiliar places alike, hoping to find myself again. There are pieces of me everywhere and I have been too busy brooding to notice that even broken pieces show a beautiful story. I am everywhere, and I have to be a loiterer to be able to attract back to me the wondrous pieces I have thrown out because I do not want to be reminded of how unfair life is (truth is, life is really unfair, but someone told me that life is unfair but is still beautiful, and I believe him). In stopping by without purpose, stepping back a bit, staring while in senseless stops, I have seen once more how beautiful this life can be.

Even though I cannot promise myself that I will never have to lose my way again, I know that I can never be completely lost. Even though I cannot promise myself that I will never have to slice pieces of myself up, I know that I am not beyond repair; I can be fixed. That is the salvation from being a loiterer.

 

Some people live beautiful lives and they take pleasure in being wanderers. Some people live unfair lives beautifully and they find joy in being loiterers.

waiting-for-you-in-park-wallpaper

So just let me stop and stare.